Before losing my Dad, I thought I really knew about loss. I had faced some tough losses before and thought I really understood what others were going through when they lost a parent. I had lost a grandparent who was a lot like a parent to me. I had lost a best friend who had an immeasurable impact on my life. I lost several friends along the way too so I thought I really understood.

LOSING A PARENT IS A DIFFERENT TYPE OF GRIEF

It is not the same as other losses. Unless you have lived it then I really can’t explain it but it is just different. Our parents have loved us our entire lives. They have always been there. Maybe we even took them for granted because they are our parents and we expect them to always be there. So, when they are suddenly gone, it truly takes a piece of you with them.

You don’t think about all the times you go to call or text them. When you want to show them a picture of their grandchild because they will be as proud as you are. When you want to tell them about your latest promotion or raise at work because they’re one of the few people you can tell that will genuinely be happy for you, without letting jealousy or comparison come into play.

To think about spending the upcoming holidays without them, brings tears to your eyes even when you haven’t been “sad” lately. Because life is no longer the same.

NO RIGHT WAY TO GRIEVE

I spent the first few weeks/months in a daze. I felt pretty numb to the rest of the world, even my husband and kids that I usually am always trying to be my best for. I just couldn’t do it. I was having trouble laughing or thinking about anything else. They would walk in the room and find me sobbing out of nowhere and without an explanation (other than the obvious).

After some time, I had to stop myself from thinking about it. It sounds harsh but it is what I had to do to be able to function at my best and move on as much as I could, so I could actively be there for my family and friends.

My sister was the opposite. She just kept moving at first, maybe because she is the oldest. She was possibly worried about me and everything that had to be done and taken care of so at first, she seemed completely fine. It was a little later that she fell apart and seemed to block herself away to grieve. In an odd way I was then able to understand and tell her things that helped me and also know exactly what she was going through. Even though we were going through the same situation, we were grieving in different ways and at different times.

I don’t think one is right over the other. I think we all have to let the emotions process however is best for us. If that means not answering your phone the first month, so be it. Whatever grief looks like for you is okay.

DOES TIME REALLY HEAL ALL WOUNDS

It’s only been a few months since we sat at my Dads bedside as he took his final breath so we are still facing a lot of “firsts”. Celebrating his first birthday without him, the holidays, knowing he won’t be able to call on my birthday or watch my kids as they continue to grow and celebrate milestones.

No matter what our relationship is with our parents and no matter how old we are, I think there is always a part of us that wants to make them proud. Does that ever actually go away? Because I’m almost 40 and I don’t talk to my Mom every day but I still find myself texting her whenever something big happens. Or little, even. A cute picture of the kids or something funny that happened. I am just not sure we ever grow out of that.

So, when a parent passes, I think we still find ourselves wanting to share important moments with them and every time we realize they are no longer here, it is another little shock all over again.

WHEN A SPOUSE LOSES A PARENT

I could tell there were moments when I was in the thickness of grief, my husband felt helpless and honestly, he was. There was nothing he could have done to take the pain away or make it any better. But, he also did not rush the grief stages for me. If he found me crying, he gave me a hug, usually silently. Looking back, that is exactly what I needed.

I didn’t need anyone to tell me it would be okay because it wouldn’t. I didn’t need anyone to tell me he was no longer in pain because he wasn’t healed while on Earth and that is what I wanted.

I had plans for when he was healed. A bigger birthday celebration, a family beach trip like we used to do. More intentional time together after so many moments I let pass by because I would “go see him next week” or “when my schedule wasn’t so full” or “when I wasn’t so tired”. I made excuse after excuse and now there are none left to give.

SHOW UP FOR OTHERS

I had days where I would be making it through the day one step at a time, literally. More than one day I would be crying and working and trying to be a Mom and Wife but really just trying to get through the day when I would go check the mail and find a card from a friend. What really surprised me though is that they weren’t always from my close friends.

I would find cards from coworkers that I don’t even talk to much or friends that I had not talked to or seen in forever, etc. Honestly, there are no words for what that meant to me but I will be more intentional going forward about showing people I care, even people I wouldn’t have considered being there for in the past.

I was going to the store or my kids events and people had no idea my Dad had cancer. For months, I did that. I would look around and think “these people have no idea what I’m going through or how said I am.” But it made me realize everyone is going through something, even if not all the time and it makes me want to be a little nicer in my day to day life. We’ve heard it a thousand times but it hits different after a profound loss: you never know what someone is going through. That is the damn truth.